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Marta Daniels ( http://www.howrc.com ) explains that your server is neither impressed nor amused by the fact that you say that you know the owner.

When you walk into a restaurant dripping with ice, designer labels from head to toe, loudly exclaiming that you hope noone scratches up your Benz, everyone can tell that you have big money, right? They know you’re someone who deserves the best table that the casual dining chain restaurant has to offer! The finest service reserved for celebrities like contestants from Flavor of Love! Right?

Wrong on everything above, including the fact that any contestant from Flavor of Love or in fact any reality show should be construed as a celebrity.  How does a complete lack of an internal censor make a person famous? I’m just saying! But I digress.

We in the biz have learned to distrust designer labels and tons of bling, or crispy, highlighted, hair-sprayed dos combined with sweater sets and snooty accents.  Laymen may see these as obvious signs that a person has money.  Let me break it down for you.  Contrary to popular belief, if it walks and talks like a duck- sometimes its just a turkey in ducks clothing.

Another pearl of wisdom gleaned from years as a tableside psychologist? A lot of people who have a lot of money have it because they only spend it on themselves.  What are you saying, oh wise Veteran Server? I’m saying that these people may order the filet and lobster tails, crab dinners and shots of Patron or, I don’t know, bottles of Napa Sauvignon Blanc, but they won’t necessarily leave a good tip!

I get nervous when a guy starts telling the lady he’s with to order what ever she wants.  Every time he repeats it I get more and more concerned.  This is the guy that will receive his $152.37 bill, comment expansively to his date “Oh, is that all?” leave me $160 and say “That’s all for you.  ALL of it.  No change back.  You did an excellent job!” Really!?!? A whole 5% tip for l’il ol’ me? And it only cost me $4.50 in tip share (to the host, busser, and bartender) to take your table! So at the end of your two hour extravagant night on the town, I made a whopping $3.13! And you made sure I realized it was only because my service was so awesome, because had I been a less excellent server, waiting on you may have actually put me in the hole! But with the $2.65 I get per hour, I’m on my way to that new pair of work pants!! From the Salvation Army! Woo-hoo! (Actually, I do desperately need a new pair of work pants!! )

That whole paragraph may have come off a tad bitter.  But as you can see from the first (of many) video broadcast, I’m a happy, fun-loving person!! I think that 90 percent of you out there (All of my server friends in the house!! Whoop-whoop! And the Awesome RCs who represent on this site and the Facebook Fan Page! Y’all Rock!!) can see my point.  No one is impressed with the lifestyle you front like you live.  Neither are we impressed if you truly have a substantial checking account.  As servers, we’re providing you with a valuable service.  We’re working hard so that you don’t have to! All we ask is that you show us the money- and leave some of it on the table for us.  Just saying.

I’m not impressed with anyone who knows the name of the owner of my restaurant.  I’m not impressed with anyone who actually knows him, although that is a significantly smaller number of people.  Namedropping may impress your dinner companions, but you can add that to the list of stuff that your server does not find amusing.

I don’t mind small talk with my tables, in fact, I rather enjoy it! I have to keep it to a minimum during rush times though.  So when you and your three buddies show up for dinner at 7PM after a rousing game of racketball, I need to take your order, put it in, and get on to the next table of hungry folks.  If I ask you what would you like to drink today, the proper response isn’t “Hey, so how is old Bob doing anyways?” Then, before I can respond, you turn to your buddies and inform them that “Bob is the owner! He and I go way back.  He used to own a spot over on Main street, and I used to eat there with Jane when we were married.  That restaurant shut down, so did my marriage to Jane! Bru-ha ha ha!!! But any-hoo, Bob and I go way back.  So, how is he, what has he been up to?”

This is just not cool on so many levels.  Way TMI when I just wanted to know if you wanted a soda.  I don’t need to know that you’re divorced from Jane.  Is Jane at the table? Then how is she relevant to what you’ll be drinking tonight?  I don’t need to know that the owner of my restaurant had a previous business endeavour that didn’t go so well.  And asking me what he’s been up to implies that he and I have a personal relationship, that I keep tabs on his personal life. What has he been up to? Running this restaurant, cutting my paycheck, making corny jokes in the kitchen, you know, the kind of stuff restaurant owners are always up to!

So then I brace myself for the inevitable.  “Is he here? Is old Bob back there? Why don’t you go on back there and tell him old Jim is out here askin’ about him!” Ok.  Here’s the thing.  Clearly we’re very busy, smack dab in the middle of a dinner rush.  I’ve already lost valuable moments of my life I’ll never get back hearing about how Old Bob used to make the burgers himself back over at the Old Place, the Bob Burger Special.  Pickles and relish and dijon mustard with jalapeno peppers really made the Bob Burger what it was, and the dijon mustard really set it off, apparently.  However, this is a chain restaurant, and we don’t have Bob Burgers. Here’s another problem, I’m not Bob’s receptionist.  I take your order and relay it to the cooks, but I don’t take messages, and I don’t set up meetings.

Here’s what I’d like the Namedropping RCs to do.  Call ahead.  Call ahead!! Call ahead to see if Old Bob is here, so that he’ll know you’re coming.  Call ahead to see if Terrell is cooking, because he knows how you like your steak.  Call ahead to see if Lucy is the bartender, because only she can get a Lemon Drop right.  It’ll save us both time and energy, and me irritation.  Besides, 90 percent of the time Old Bob has no idea who any of these people are and he tells me to tell them he’s not here.  So namedropping gets you nowhere, the call ahead is where it’s at.  If you’re really in the inner circle, you’ve got his cell number.  I’m just saying.

Marta Daniels ( http://www.howrc.com ) explains that, believe it or not, servers at restaurants don’t actually manage or own the restaurants, and therefore it is inappropriate to blame them for a lot of the things customers take out on servers!

This is the season where people like to enthusiastically jot down lists of things they vow to do next year.  There is nothing wrong with this practice; I myself adhere to it faithfully every year!! The writing down of the resolutions that is.  When it comes to the follow thru- well, lets just say I could do a whole other blog on that situation.

Lets get real, folks! When it comes to resolutions, you either will or you won’t, you do or you don’t.  For the most part, we are setting ourselves up to fail!! Lose 30 pounds in a year.  A lot harder than it sounds! Learn Japanese.  Really? In a year? Be a better restaurant customer.  Wait a minute!! Bingo!!

I have a marvelous New Year’s resolution for all of you out there who have ever dined out, and who ever plan to do so in the future!! Be A Better Restaurant Customer!! And this one is so easy, because you’ve got your handy, dandy guide to doing just that right here on this website!!  With my blog, you cannot fail!! This is the one resolution you will be able to keep, I’m talking without a shadow of a doubt!! Why?? Because I am here to help you every step of the way, my friend.

If you are new to the site, start out by reading the Must Read Posts, located to the right.  Then read the rest of the masterfully written posts at your leisure, and continue to follow along for new advice that you can apply to your very next dining experience!! These tips work very well by themselves, but applied together in harmony they transform you into The Most Awesome RC Ever!!!

Trust me, this is the resolution you want to make, and keep, and I’ve got your back.  Together, we’ll make sure that you succeed!! Yay!!! See ya next year.  God bless.

Ah, Campers.  Let me clear this up right now, I’m not talking about the kind you see pictured to the left. This is a restaurant industry term.  You civilians out there would say “we haven’t seen each other in ages, and we’re catching up!” Or something like that.  We in the Biz see it as “holding up one of my tables for hours and therefore detracting from the amount of money I could be making”.

Let me break it down so the Campers out there understand why they receive exasperated looks that turn downright evil the longer you stay at your table, nursing your ice water long after your meal is over and the waitress has deposited the check.  In a restaurant there are only so many tables.  Those tables must be equitably divided between all of the servers.  If a restaurant is properly staffed, that means most servers will get two or three tables, four at the most.  Those are your tables, period.  Once they are all full, you don’t get anymore until they leave. 

The average restaurant meal at dinner will run an hour to an hour and a half max- that’s with appetizer, a soup and salad course, entree, dessert and after dinner drinks or coffee.  Your bill for, lets say, three girlfriends catching up, will run about $90 to $100, especially if you got cocktails.  So hopefully, if you all aren’t stingy, you’ll leave me about $15. 

That’s awesome, but what if you hold my table hostage for three hours, expecting me to keep your ice water, bowl of lemons, coffee, and mountains of Splenda and creamer stocked up.  Are you going to tip me an additional $10 or $15? Probably not.  You’re feeling good and generous about the original $15.  But you and your gossipy friends have managed to stay for the length of two average meals, yet I should only make money for one?

Folks, as I have stated in many previous posts, I am making $2.65 an hour without my tips.  So I need all of the tables in my section to be producing tips at all times! Nothing is worse than watching all the other servers flipping tables right and left, a whole new group every hour in their section, while you have two tables of campers who clearly plan to stay until the cows come home.

Bottom line is this. If you plan to tip me for taking over my table for the night, than giddy-up! I will cheerfully keep your coffees and waters full, and I will even entertain you with jokes, fun stories, and whimsical tunes.  Or, I’ll leave you completely alone and let you recount your entire four years in highschool with each other.  Whatever you want.  Nothing would make a waitress happier than having a table (or a section of tables) who want to stay all night, only requiring the occasional refill after they have finished their meal- provided the table tips accordingly. 

Show me the money!! Otherwise, put down the coffee cup and let the hostage (my table) go, because you are seriously cramping my action.  And my action pays my bills.  I’m just saying.

When you ask me a question about the menu, I will answer it.  Upon your request, mind you.  I don’t talk to you just to hear myself talk.  I’m not idly babbling on to you because I have noone else to talk to.  I have plenty of co-workers in the back to chit-chat with, and of course, my friends and family.  So when I converse with you, it’s generally with a purpose-especially if you just asked me a question.

Why did I say all that? To say this. When you ask me to tell you about the specials, don’t make a face after each description you don’t like.  Here I am, running through a list that I have likely run through dozens of times today, hundreds of times this week.  I’m probably already sick of saying it, but I’m doing so for your benefit!

So why would you screw up your face and vigorously shake your head ‘no’ while I’m talking? Look at the picture to the left.  How would you feel if someone made that face at you after every other word that came out of your mouth? Wouldn’t that be extremely off-putting, to say the least? It’s very distracting, not to mention annoying! I want to whip out my compact mirror, shove it in the RCs face, and ask “Did you intend for your face to look like this?”.

If you think honey glazed salmon is gross, then don’t order it! But do me a favor and keep that information inside where it counts.  If the mere mention of sauteed spinach is so traumatic to you that when you hear it you have to fake vomit, then don’t ask to hear the specials, because you’re little mime act is very rude! I’m just saying.